Put your hand up if you avoid conflict and difficult conversations at every opportunity?  Well, you’re not alone.

The main reasons why people avoid confrontation, conflict and difficult conversations is;

• We don’t deal with the mole hill before it becomes a mountain
• It is assumed there will be a conflict
• We don’t know how to communicate effectively
• We lack self confidence
• We fix problems rather than taking the time to show and tell

The most common reason for avoiding conflict is communication.  People don’t have the tools or skills to approach conversations effectively, which in turn means in most cases, they avoid conflict or create conflict.

For leaders of a business, you need to set the scene;

• Create a culture where the door is always open, people are encouraged to communicate the smallest of issues and train your staff, managers and leadership team on communication.  
• Encourage regular feedback, assertiveness and transparency where people feel comfortable in sharing their opinions, ideas and frustrations.  
• Coach your team that in most cases the problem is with the system and not the person.  
• Review your systems and processes regularly.  
• Have core values agreed and include something on communication and respecting others.

When communicating, think of applying the following tips;

• Know why you are communicating and be very clear with your message
• Know who you are communicating to and speak in their language (how do they learn and interpret information?)
• Choose the best vehicle of communication (email or face to face) It is recommended that face to face is the ideal way to deliver a difficult message.
• Be diplomatic at all times and don’t be emotional
• Listen actively to any response
• Aim for an outcome that improves the situation

Below are a few tips to help you with those difficult conversations;

• Deal with the issue immediately.  You may find there is no conflict or negativity, especially if you are communicating to a person who needs help to improve.
• Seek first to understand.  Don’t assume you know why something happened.  John may have been late for work, however his car may have broken down or his wife might be sick and he needs to take the kids to school.
• Once you understand what has happened, ensure that any message you need to convey is understood.  For example – it’s okay if John was late, sometimes it can’t be helped, however John should have called the office within 10 minutes of your usual start time, so that someone knew where he was.
• Approach conflict with a win-win attitude.  ‘Win-win sees life as a collaborative arena and not a competitive one.  Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions.  Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying.’ (Stephen Covey – 7 habits of highly effective people)  

• Be prepared for your conversation.  Write down your discussion points if you need to.  

If you are on the receiving end of a difficult conversation;

• If a surprise, ask for time to absorb and think about the information
• Don’t judge or assume, ensure you actively listen and think about why you are receiving the information and why the person delivering the message may be frustrated or upset
• Allow the person to finish their story and then tell your story
• If heated, always reschedule, when both parties are in a better frame of mind
• Say no if you need to.  You are saying no to the task, not the person.
• Ask for examples

Many people don’t know how to start difficult conversations, below are some options for starting a conversation;

• I have something I would like to discuss with you, that will help with us work together better
• I’d like to talk about that project with you but first I would like your views on it.
• I need your help with what just happened, do you have a few minutes?
• I’d like to talk about the report quality, I think we may be on different wave lengths on how it should be presented.
• I’d like to see if we can reach a better understanding about that, I would really like to hear your thoughts

Note, that all examples start with an ‘I’ statement.  Assertiveness and self confidence is important in communication, but attacking or aggression is not.  By starting with an ‘I’ statement, you approach the conversation with confidence yet balanced by a willingness to take responsibility for your part of the conversation.

A few key tips to help avoid serious conflict;

• Be open minded about the solution, you may have your ideas and the other person may have theirs, so you may need to explore a third solution.
• Communicate often, mole hills are much better than mountains
• Don’t assume that there will be conflict, be brave and have the conversation.
• Go into the conversation with a win-win in mind, it isn’t a competition it is a collaboration
• Address the issues, don’t fix it and hope it never happens again.

And lastly, know that conflict is healthy.   If we agreed on everything we wouldn’t grow as individuals or be challenged in business.  You spend more time with the people you work with, then with family and friends, so you are not always going to see eye to eye.  It’s all about the way we interact when it comes to challenges and problems.  Communicate effectively in a genuine way with a win-win in mind and you and conflict can be friends!

Want to know more? Contact our Executive Coach Anna Chipperfield for a free consultation.